


Hug me, we're lonely.

by JustAnotherFool



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Identity Issues, Loneliness, Lots of confusion with pronouns, Neglect, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21879124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherFool/pseuds/JustAnotherFool
Summary: Sometimes being disposable was too much to bear.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	Hug me, we're lonely.

"The Disposable One", that's how they always called him. (Maybe they didn't even mind capitalising the initials. Maybe he was just "the disposable one" to them)

Or should he say "how they called _them_ "? It'd surely make sense. If it could make any sense at all, that is. They weren't even sure anymore. And that was an odd sentence for sure. A lot of odd sentences.

The thing is: he didn't even know if he got a name when he fell, like all the others. Or if he was a "he" or a "they" or both or neither. Nobody seemed to care at all. 

The disposable one... Maybe it itself was a name? It was enough for the others. Demons and angels alike. No one cared. No one even asked him how they'd like to be called.

If they did, they'd know he liked Eric. It was a nice name, he chose it himself. They also went by Legion in the past for quite a while, back when being multiple people was their only defining trait, the only detail people remembered about them.

In hindsight, it hadn't really changed, now had it?

Eric wasn't sure if he cared anymore either. He just knew that what he was doing was irrational.

Being killed was so easy... He just had to wander about for a while and some random demon would slaughter him on a whim. Or throw him to the hellhounds, if it was Hastur. Hastur always seemed to take a special pleasure in murdering him. The Duke tried to do that as often as possible. If he wanted pain, he could just take a stroll in Hell.

Still, here he was, holding a razor blade and ready to take his own blood. Once again.

It really was addicting, wasn't it?

One cut. Two cuts. Three cuts. Twelve cuts. No one cares anyway. Twenty cuts. You are the only one who cares. You lose count. The blood runs freely. Free like you'll never be.

But you are the only one who cares, indeed. That's why you appear out of nowhere and holds your own hand firmly but lovingly, getting the bloody razor blade easily.

You shouldn't be surprised, you aren't really surprised honestly. Hive mind and all. All of you share a mind at some point, even if you have some independence to do things separated. You knew you would stop yourself. He knew he would stop himself. He knew they would stop themselves. Pronouns are confusing at times.

But he doesn't care about pronouns, he just hugs you tightly and speaks no word, since you already know what you'd say. Besides, both of you know you don't want to hear anything now. Just hugging. Hugging is good.

The cuts sting now. It feels so good, sickeningly good. Eric felt somewhat relieved, like always. Cutting was better than any death, specially because it was by his own hands. And the bleeding was quite nice too. Soothing.

Other him appeared and held his free hand, that was picking absentmindedly on the cuts, upsetting his skin. They held him too, and then a third one joined the hug. He'd sometimes make accidental copies of himself when under strong emotions, so it wasn't weird or unexpected.

Some of them were dying in other places of Hell. They could feel it, but it wasn't upsetting anymore. They grew used to it. The other demons simply loved using him/them as messengers so they could kill the messenger with no consequence. No liability.

If they didn't even count as liabilities, were they really living? Were they real? Was he real?

There were six of him in the silent hug now. One of them looked sadder than him, so he gave them a firmer hug too, both ignoring his bloody fingertips from the self-harm done some minutes ago. Or some hours ago. It was hard to tell in Hell. Time was weird and so were pronouns.

Two of them had their eyeliner blurred by some tears, so the others pulled them to the center of their weird hug. How many of them were in that otherwise empty room now? Twelve? Twenty? Two hundred? Eric always chooses the empty rooms because he knows they'll need the space.

And it was nice. It really was. So what if no one cares about them, they thought together. So what if they are disposable and nearly nameless? If they were just a killable toy? If they were barely regarded as real demons?

But they also knew they were lying to themselves.

Eric thanked his others for the hug and apologised for the cuts, as always, but they knew it'd happen again. It always does. Still, they kept their hug just a little bit longer, even thought they knew that no matter how tight they hugged, they'd still feel lonely.

Because, no matter how tight the hug or how many of them they could fit in a room, they were alone. So alone. So lonely. And sometimes the loneliness was crushing and unbearable.

Soon they'd part ways again. They'd send messages and get killed and fill paperwork and wander about aimlessly and be goofy and crack jokes and cry alone and hide and smile politely and laugh and hear and talk. All of it at the same time. It was just how their life worked.

But no matter how many demons were among them, no matter how many of himself he greeted happily in the doorways, no matter what pronoun he used, no matter their name, they'd still feel alone. He'd still feel alone. He'd still **be** alone.

And no one but himself would hug him.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I had two ideas for Ineffable Bureaucracy waiting to be written and one Ineffable Husbands draft that wishes it'll be complete one day....
> 
> So, like any good author, I ignored all of them and wrote it instead.
> 
> Also, lots of self-projecting and I wrote it all in a go, so I appreciate any grammar/spelling correction.
> 
> Thanks for reading! 💖


End file.
